So it was the year of 2015.
Rhianna had just dropped ‘Bitch better have my money’, and I had a new boyfriend. It was honestly the making of a damn good year.
I went to my first Melbourne festival. Discovered deep house music and started to love DJ’s. I quit my cafe job and started working for a trendy bar. I moved to Fitzroy and began the hipster stage of my life. I got into uni, I dropped out of uni, and I fell in love with a new guy.
I also went to Vipassana.
Vipassana is a 10 day silent meditation retreat designed to untangle the ‘ego’ from the ‘self’. It’s a really beautiful thing. You spend about 12 hours a day meditating. A lot of people emerge on the other side of the 10 days having shifted their perspective on their lives and their minds. I, of course, went in thinking I would absolutely smash it and abolish my anxiety. It sounded like the most incredible quick fix in just 10 days!
Instead, I emerged 4 days later with what would be diagnosed as a severe anxious disorder that lasted a good part of 4 months afterwards.
I dropped about 15 kilos, I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. I just couldn’t shake the anxiety and it slowly took me into one of the darkest times of my life. I remember waking up one day and it was like someone had switched the light off behind my eyes.
It was scary and I was trying to juggle a new relationship, new friendships and a new job on about 3 hours sleep a night whilst trying to convince myself that I was not going crazy.
Looking back on this period of my life, I don’t really know how long it actually lasted. It was the first time I completely lost control of my own emotions and it was incredibly confronting. I know this is a change of tone from the rest of my blog posts, but I promise this will display some relevance later on.
So I was 22, I was anxious and I was trying desperately to stay active and social. Hoping one day that my brain would click back into normalcy and I would feel like myself again.
It didn’t happen like that though, it was gradual. I do remember one day in particular though when I was at work delivering food to a table. I was so anxious I felt sick.
I was desperately trying to figure out why I was anxious.
Was it my boyfriend? My family? Did something happen to me when I was younger that I was suppressing? These thoughts were just spinning around in my head constantly, when out of no where, a thought scrambled in: fuck it. Just let it happen.
Immediately I felt relief, for a second anyway. After that, it slowly got better. I regained control and now, I couldn’t even tell you when I went back to feeling normal. Crazy, huh.
That ‘Fuck it, just let it happen’ philosophy was a gem that would be lost for a long time. Almost the entire duration of my relationship with my new boyfriend actually, where the main focus was trying to control everything that he and I did. This thought would however get me through the most recent tough time that I’ve been through, the toughest most slippery time of them all..that we will get to later, I promise.
Somehow my relationship stood the test of 2015. Honestly I don’t know how. I was a clingy mess throughout this time. I constantly needed someone with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone with my self. I survived it though, I also learnt some lessons about my own mental health that would be incredibly valuable later on down the line. Pfft and I said I wasn’t a silver linings girl. Who am I kidding. Queen of positivity over here.
That’s where I’ll leave you for today.
Till next time.